Since my last post I’ve been flirting with a few ideas of what to post next for this week’s entry. Finally after taking all things into consideration I have made my decision. And with that I decided I want to share my thoughts on the people we meet. And I’m not just talking about the friendships we’ve retained since we met our closest friends, I really do mean the people we meet. I have met a lot of people in my time (that makes me sound wise) and I have to say more than a few of them made an impact on my person. Plenty people have shocked me from imagining that there’s actually people out there purposely determined to hurt you and people that care so much about you that it leaves you breathless. You with me so far, reader? I hope you are.
Does it make sense to you though? That people can leave the smallest imprint on you, even when you’re not aware of it… I wonder if I do the same. Sometimes I think I do, whether it is good or bad. The bad. Do we leave bad impressions on people and will they always remember us for that malice we’ve done? Possibly. I know that’s how I think sometimes. Yes, I know I’m horrible for thinking that way about people; not giving them a chance and all, but the truth is- why should we give people so many chances? Or am I being too prejudice to my fellow human beings? I groan at this thought, it’s so hard to be patient with others when they hurt you at first meet or if they so badly wound you you can’t find it in you to forgive them. That’s a fault in me, isn’t it? As the receiver of wrongness I am supposed to forgive them, but I can’t. I get so angry with those people because I allowed to enter my life and hurt me so much that I can’t let others in. But should the other people we meet suffer for what the previous have done to me? Do you ever think that same thought?
I find that there’s a common thread – a tie, a knot, a strong, a cord- with the people I met and their relationship with me. I am often left feeling used and deserted after those people have their way with me. Some have left me so physically drained that I couldn’t even move. That’s a terrible thought to think that there are actually people that exist that can hurt you so much. Those kinds of people, the deserters (I have a different and far worse name for them, but I’m trying to maintain composure), they left some deep, and hopefully not permanent, damage. I am always on edge, constant alert when it comes to people. I give others chances, not to just prove themselves to me, but to actually show me that they have a heart to love (not just love with a man, but as a person, a friend to friend & etc). I don’t like to let people in anymore and it’s because of the people I met. I’m just wondering what is wrong with you people that you think you can treat me however you please? Honestly, these kinds of people give me little hope and faith in the rest of humanity. It’s just so dishonorable to be so cruel and neglectful to a person.
I sound bitter and horrible. I know I am at times, believe me – that’s probably why I’m finding myself alone these days. I just don’t care for some people anymore, it’s too much emotion put into a friendship and trying to make it work and healthy when the person doesn’t give any effort. I sound like a bad friend right now, because I am basically stating to all that I greatly dislike people, but I’m being honest… I didn’t always used to think this way. I used to be so sociable and extroverted. I gradually became shy as the years came by. I became reserved and introverted, and more observant. I study people (as mentioned in my last post). I’m on my guard. Is that wrong of me? I don’t think so sometimes, but it doesn’t exactly help when it comes to meeting new people. I’m selective. I’m just not up for investing so much of myself to people anymore, especially when their intentions are just to beat me with their actions. I’m not up for it, and I think I have a right to say that I don’t.
On the other hand, and with a heavy sigh I write this, there are people that give me hope in others. There are people out there that have touched my life in so many ways. I miss some of them, but I remember them as they were. They aren’t dead, they are alive, but years pass and with age sometimes people leave, but I remember them for who they were. They changed me in some ways. I met people who honestly love others so much that I become envious of them- I want to take that passion, that ability and love others. So in a way, that particular person influences me to want to do more and just love people again; like I was did when I was younger. It just blows me away that some people out there are gifted with the ability to love others and forgive them for the ill-considered things they’ve done. How do they do it? I wonder and that’s why I study them. I let them talk, or I try to, and I just try to listen and want to be like them in some ways. That’s what I meant when I said the person has imprinted me. I want to take a little piece of them and carry it with me. But that’s the thing, I want to, but I have made little effort to. I wish I had the desire to love people, they’re just so complicated that I don’t want to deal. I mean, come on, I’m perfect example of a complicated person. Probably why many people don’t care to deal with me. I rock my head to side, near my left shoulder and just think on that for a minute. With eyes closed I see that I have so much to work on. Just give me some time to work on it. I’ve slowly gotten better, but at the same time worse. Man.
I still love people. I think of so many of my friends, the new, old, and the in between, and I just think of how bad it’s gotten to where I don’t want to make amends with some of them. I love these people, but I’m just a person and not a one sees that I need something more too. I don’t know. I’m not going to overly dwell on it. But it’s exhausting isn’t it? Taking requests (I can’t think of a better word at the moment) from friends; making them feel as loved as possible, being their for them and always listening to them. And it’s not with disgust that I help my friends, but it’s just with a heavy heart that has more than she can handle on her shoulders. “Lend me your ears!” I don’t know. I just think when it comes to the people we meet we should be willing to keep both of our ears open. It’s one thing to meet someone and leaving an everlasting impression on them, but to me, the important thing is trying to work that relationship- on both end. After all the phrase “it takes two to tango” isn’t sad just to be thrown out there, it means something. And yes, I know I have my own stuff to work on, I need to be willing to not perceive people on whatever “bad thing” they do when I meet them. I have to give people chances. Just one question, where do we draw the line?
I don’t know what I’m saying. But people, and I have met so many of you, what’s going on in this world that we just don’t try to make other friendships work? We only pick about a certain handful of people to communicate with, but is that fair to other people that want to make a friendship work with you? Now I remember, I remember why I sometimes am hesitant to meet people: they’ll just not even bother. Should we bother though? Don’t know. I’m thinking aloud now. This entire post is me thinking aloud. I lost train of thought to the purpose of this. You’ll have to forgive me for this particular post. It’s mostly a rant. Until next, see you. Maybe I’ll write about identifiers next week. Not sure. Wish me luck.
[was listening to City and Colour‘s “Little Hell” album and Dario Marianelli‘s “Jane Eyre Soundtrack” while writing this]