I’ve been reevaluating the present point of my life these past few weeks and I’ve decided that it’s best if I come up with a question that I personally think will sum up my entire thoughts in a simple statement (erm, question):
what defines me?
It’s a question as simple as that. What defines me in this life… I’m only twenty-one years old and I already feel I’ve seen enough of this life that it’s impossible for me to experience any more of it. What else is there to go through? I’ve seen pain, I’ve seen love (or at least what I think is love), and et cetera. What else is there for me to go through? I don’t know. I often think too much and so beyond my comfort zone that it’ll trouble my being for hours after the original thought has entered my mind. I like to blame it on the amount of minutes I take in the shower for my current predicament. After having a somewhat quiet day with little interaction with people (a day I usually am fond of partaking) I will take a thirty to almost forty minute long shower. I’ll stand beneath the hot water and just immerse myself in it’s heat. It’ll take control of my body and mind and invite me into a realm of outer thoughts I purposely put aside from my usual thinking process during the day. I’ll think of everything, there is no limit to what enters my mind; but whatever it is I allow my mind to ponder it for hours after, perhaps even days, until I feel I’ve come up with a reasonable answer. However, I never seem to finish what I’ve started; which, unfortunately, is something I’m in a habit of doing.
That is why I’m writing this. I usually commit to writing whatever enters my little head (I know my head is physically bigger than the “little” I say here). I’m determined to write a series of little blogs of what I try to resolve is my identification. But before going on any further there should be an introduction to this series: First thing is that I don’t know how long this series will be, it could go from five to ten blog posts (which will be done weekly of course). I am, for a fact, will be talking about myself; but don’t be alarmed, stranger, it’ll be mostly of my thoughts. Not about my day-to-day, hour-to-hour details of my life. Just what came to my mind that day. And yes, it probably won’t make any sense whatsoever for a while. After all, I’m sure whoever is reading this doesn’t know me, although I’m sure we know each other, you still don’t know who I am. Truthfully, neither do I.
As for today, I’ll be VERY brief with my entry. From what I see of what I’ve written out so far, it’s looking rather long. About close to 500 words already, my, my, how time flies. Any who- today, I’ve been thinking of how relationships (friends, family, significant others, and what have you) affect me greatly. Many people may not think that I care about them at first meeting, I come off harsh and cold and careless usually, but I do. I like meeting people, but when I already know they know me as, let’s say my brother’s sister, I feel that they already have an expectation of me. To be the heart-warming, loving, and communicative person like him; and, as of late I’ve noticed, they will be disappointed as the end result. When I already know (or at least already feel) that this person has made an assumption of my character, I will shut them off entirely. Does it sound horrible that I wrote that out? Maybe. But don’t get me wrong, I’m proud to be my brother’s younger sister (is this an identification of me), but I just wish they would leave the canvas they have designated for me blank until they get to know me. I know I am partially at fault here, but I just wish I could be myself in front of others. I’m so quiet and observant when around people lately. I like to study their facial expression, their eyes, their mouths when they speak, and their reactions after I said something. To be perfectly honest, I feel like an imbecile when I talk out loud. I don’t have a filter, I say whatever is in my mind. And the times when I do allow my filter to reveal itself, I’m limited in the conversation. Is it my fault? Am I to blame for my current predicament? Possibly, possibly.
The truth is, or at least this is what I think is to be the truth of me, is that I’m a reserved person but I am actually intelligent and witty when I feel I can show it. I’m afraid of what people will think of me. So far I don’t have many friends because once they see who I really am, they don’t stick around me. And this saddens me, which is probably why I say so little to people… but it’s not because I don’t like them, it’s just I’m afraid my stupidity will seem to them repulsive and guarantee that they’ll leave. Not like my silence is helping much either, but I think lately many people like confiding in me because I am so quiet. Not sure at the moment. What was I saying? Ah… there is much to say about friendships and how they perceive me. I know they think of me in not such a high regard, but I don’t know where to begin to change that. Because sometimes in the end I’m so happy to be rid of people who refuse to stick around, I don’t love it when they unveil their true nature to me, but I’m glad to be rid of them when I see they weren’t the people they formed themselves to be (another thing I’ll write about, who we “pretend” to be to get people to like us).
All I know is, and this will be the end to this post, is that I’m just being myself, partially, I’m still adapting to slowly talking when in the presence of others. Ending with this final thought: people can just quit themselves.
[p.s. listen to “That Room” by The Twilight Sad and “I Gave You All” by Mumford & Sons when you read this- or after, works either way.]