After long musings in my shower (I’m a shower thinker, what can I say), I’ve decided to write about what I learned from getting an education from pre-k to present. I felt this would be an appropriate topic to discuss since education is HUGE contributing factor to our identities; especially mine. Now I won’t go over each specific year in my education years but I will pull out a few experiences that stuck out to me when I was thinking of this weeks post.

I’d like to go over kindergarten. I actually transferred schools after the first month of kindergarten. My first teacher freakishly resembled Ursela from the Little Mermaid. You know… that crazy octopus lady witch? Anywho, she hated me with a passion and I was never fond of her. We didn’t get along and all I know is my parents felt uncomfortable with her teaching me. So because of that they “placed” me in a school with Christian values. I don’t remember a lot of the Bible learning, some songs and services come to mind, but I do remember the people; my classmates and my teacher. I forgot my teachers name entirely- she was someone I find not worth remembering. It’s not that she was a bad person but I got the vibe that she thought I was incompetent and unsociable. The latter is true to an extent. I was quiet and very reserved. The other students I found weren’t trust worthy; I was right. They treated me horribly. Once they saw how nice I could be and how gullible I was, they decided to take advantage of me. The sad thing is I let them. I grew up in a somewhat sheltered home, but it didn’t bother me. The friends I had I grew up with from church and they were enough to satisfy me. I didn’t care much for school friends because I was so different from them. I felt they lacked imagination and I just wanted to explore things at my own pace; no one understood that. Moving on, this one girl would try to make me do things just to make her happy. I was- what five years old- emotionally abused by another five year old. Looking back she was just a horrible person who tried to fake her demanding personality with a fake smile. I hated her, but that wasn’t the last time I’d meet someone who’d take advantage of me like she did. Also, my teacher wanted to fail me because I didn’t socialize as much as she wanted and didn’t color inside the lines. Thankfully, my dad wouldn’t allow it.

Let’s move forward to a few years ahead. I’m going to go to 6th to 8th grade: middle school. I sort of keep in touch with some of the people I went to school with at this very Catholic private school. Uniforms were the every day thing to be worn and somehow as the years passed the girls would find ways to shorten the length of their skirts and reveal more of their not so long legs. I snicker to myself looking back at middle school. I remember someone said to me on the last day of being there, it was the last field trip to Cedar Point with my class, and he said to me: “you’re nice, but sometimes too nice.” And I know what he meant when he said that to me. During my years at that school many people treated me with indifference. No one hated each other, mind you, the class was small and everyone had to get along, but it was tough. Girls are just beginning to get hormonal and the boys are, well, boys will be boys. It was weird, but the people- the girls, really- were so two faced that it made me sick. They were only nice to me because they wanted me to do this and this, as if I’m their office assistant filing things away for them. I had no interest in fake friendships, but sometimes I did their bidding because I didn’t want to spend the rest of my years there feeling miserable because I “disappointed” one of the girls. Ugh. Looking back this just angers me. Another set of horrible people with horrible teachers. Except for my seventh grade/math teacher who changed my life during that adolescent stage and really cared for me. I miss that woman. But one teacher, right now, comes to mind. And she was (I cringe while typing this) just awful to me. She never liked me and was another person who thought me incompetent, but her reasons were different than my kindergarten teacher. She thought I was foreign at first because I wouldn’t speak, she also thought something was wrong when I first wouldn’t participate. But the thing is, she bored me to death with her method of teaching. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy learning (which I do now), I just hated her voice. She didn’t care for me and she knew I knew it. I’m pretty sure that woman thought I never would’ve made it to where I am now. Sometimes I want to rub it in her face and just tell her my GPA and what University I go to. JUST IN HER FACE! She never believed in me and I hope to one day see her in public somewhere and just tell her how much I proved her wrong and that I am a great person. Sounds cocky of me to write, but if you knew her, you’d get it.

High school. I came to high school as a total stranger. They all knew each other and I just knew my brother, who was a senior when I was a freshmen in 2004. I stuck close to him at first, but again I was in my own bubble. I was observing everyone at first and eventually I got to know some people and made friends, but my opinion of those people (my “older/maturer” classmates- supposedly) changed. This one girl, who was in my homeroom class- who I never spoke ill of or was ever rude to in person- said something to me at a pep rally that changed my matter of thinking in high school for future years to come. She said to me as I was tailing behind some friends to sit on the bleachers, she said “move out of the way you fat bitch.” I looked at her and made eye contact. My friends heard her and couldn’t believe it. This girl, a girl I was never rude to, a girl I was usually polite to in homeroom, was calling me a pretty distasteful name. I didn’t cry, I didn’t get too mad, but I didn’t think on it. The girl who called me a “fat bitch” was an athlete. Skinny with some muscle tone, shorter than me, and in her own “mean girl” clique of other “jock” friends. I know now she goes to community college (not that going to community college is bad, I think getting an education anywhere is important), she always bragged she was smarter than me. I laugh at this. She isn’t. She was so selfish and in her own world that she didn’t think of how she made others feel with her “snarky” comments. I remember after my freshmen of hearing what she said to me, I lost all respect for her. And whenever she wanted a favor for me in high school, I wouldn’t give it. I didn’t care for her or her future- it wasn’t my responsibility.

The whole point of this entry is to say that the people we meet do in fact impact us as we grow into adults. My animosity towards has been brewing since I was five years old. I’m 21 now and I don’t trust people. I do, sometimes, offer to help them, but when I see that they’re beginning to take advantage of my kindness I will pull away with harshness. I don’t like being used, I don’t like how these people think they treat others they was they do. And I know I’m not to be excluded from people like that. I don’t always treat people with the kindness they ought to be treated with. I hope this explains a bit of myself and why I am just so cold and detached from others. I don’t mean to be. I tried to love you all, but I’m just so tired of meeting people who will at first glance either use me or attack me with harsh words that affect me for days to come. I hope something can change with this, we’ll see.

What did this have to do with identity? Well, think about it… what sort of impact do you leave on people? It changes them. Many have changed me in so many ways. They helped form something in me that brought to the person I am today. I don’t know. People are complicated.

Finally I bought the book about two weeks ago and read through it. It took me a week to read 590-ish pages. The book itself is divided into four parts; part one: Incentive, part two: Consequence and Analysis, part three: Mergers, and part four: Hostile Takeover. Each part is themed to its given title section and more of the mystery unfolds. The mystery of the book is all about Swedish journalist Mikeal Blomkvist’s (Craig) journey after given the verdict of his being put on trial for libel. He was sought after and hired by industrialist and grand manipulator Herr Henrik Vanger. Exactly what was he hired for now that Blomkvist career is put on hold because of his “offenses?” To solve the murder of Herr Vanger’s niece’s death that happened in the 1960s, which happened forty years before and remains unsolved and open.

However before Blomkvist accepts the offer Vanger makes it clear that he is to live on Hedeby Island for a whole year. In fact, a contract is made just so Blomkvist is clear of the conditions of his future job post. If he quits the investigation at any point within the year his contract will be terminated and won’t receive a penny. Even if he doesn’t solve the crime Blomkvist will be paid millions for at least trying to solve it. So why wouldn’t he do it? He has nothing to do and the story of Vanger’s niece’s possible “murder” sounds interesting enough to keep him happily preoccupied.

The background story on Vanger’s niece disappearance, Harriet Vanger, is an interesting mystery that adds a nice texture to the book. On one summer day there was an accident on the only bridge leading to Hedeby Island and the entire Vanger family was there to deal with the mess. For a whole day the island was an isolation, not one person could get in or out until the accident on the bridge cleared. Harriet Vanger was on the island the day of the accident and wasn’t seen after it happened. No one knows what could have happened. They saw no body in the water, no body on the island, and no one knows how she could have escaped the island if there was no way out except for taking the bridge. And Henrik Vanger was convinced that someone murdered. But what he doesn’t know is why. I know what you’re thinking, “how could Mikeal Blomkvist, a journalist by the way, solve a forty year old crime?” This is what’s so great about the book, we’re dying to know why and how he’s going do it or even if he going to. Larsson succeeded in adding tension to the book with this intrigue.

Now I know you’re wondering of something else… where is “the girl” in this story? Well, Lisbeth Salander (Mara) is the one that helped Blomkvist get the job with Vanger. Although they never met she knows more about Blomkvist than any of his closest friends would ever know. She’s an experienced hacker at the age of 24 and obviously extremely troubled. She can find information on anyone she’s assigned to by Milton Security quicker than any of her experienced colleagues combined. She’s good at what she does, but she’s terribly troubled and ridiculously introverted. She keeps to herself and to others she comes off as incompetent and even handicapped, but she’s incredibly smart and quick. She is described as a small, skinny, teenage looking girl; covered in tattoo’s and piercings; raven-black hair and only wears black clothing. It’s safe to say that to the “ordinary person” she comes off as creepy and one of those pale vampire freaks that listen to dark music and studies witchcraft. She doesn’t care though, she has a “I don’t give a shit attitude” that instantly makes the reader like her. Who hasn’t felt like that though, someone who doesn’t give a shit? She’s likeable even if she is so misunderstood.

The main point of the story is that Blomkvist needs Salander to use her insane hacking skills to help him piece together the clues he has discovered in order to solve Harriet’s murder. Together they get along fine, about a twenty year age different between the two, and throughout their working together this is when we see Salander talk more than she ever has. Her natural hatred attitude towards humanity diminishes when working with Blomkvist. Without many words, they understand each other; they know what the other is thinking in a sense. Larsson developed a strange relationship between two characters, that aren’t at all alike in any way, that makes the reader reading through page by page to see how much farther they’ll get and how closer the pair will be to solving the crime. It’s just two forces you want to see carry on to the end.

I give this book four and a half stars out of five. Character development from beginning to end was phenomenal that I definitely MUST read the next book in the trilogy, “The Girl Who Played with Fire” just so I find out what happens to these characters- you will find yourself becoming attached to them. The storyline was a bit jumpy with flash backs and switching from Blomkvist’s story to Salander’s, but once the two were working together the story was spectacular and easier to follow. Dialog, and I don’t know about you but I’m a dialog kind of reader- if it’s in the book it has to work or the story will fall apart, it was so natural and realistic to me. It really invited me in the the story of the characters and I could even imagine myself there, talking to these people. Description was vital in this book and Larsson didn’t leave a single detail out. He described the setting of where everyone was that I actually thought I was in Sweden for a minute. It was the description of characters and place and help set the mood and overall tone of the book. It began with a haze and carried on with an obsessive gloom to a point of actual fear and worry. You wanted to know what happened once you reach a certain point in the book. Needless to say, this book made the hairs on my neck shoot straight up and my back to stiffen. Highly recommend, especially if you’re into thrillers and mystery type of novel. Definitely under those detective novel categories. Larsson did a magnificent job. I couldn’t praise his writing any more than I just have.

________________________________________________________________________________

The book you’ll have to read before watching the movie. But watching the trailer before reading the book definitely helped when it came to picturing the characters (I find it easier when I see which actor will play which character). As I said before Daniel Craig plays Blomkvist and in the book he’s only briefly described as a kind of good looking, ladies man who has a serious look to him. I thought the casting for him was perfect. I immediately saw Craig’s face when Blomkvist was physically introduced in the book. As for Salander’s casting of Rooney Mara- couldn’t have picked a person myself. She’s small, the right age, and fits the physical description to a T. Although Noomi Rapace played Salander in the 2009 Swedish version, I felt she was too old to be Lisbeth and too “womanly” to look like her. Her features were too bold and just not right in my eyes. Once I saw Mara, I just knew it was right. It felt right and I can’t wait to hear how she’ll talk. Will she be as cold as she’s described in the book? That’s what makes you wonder about book-movies… will the actors perfectly portray their literature characters? Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. But I have extreme faith that both of these actors will.

As for the displaying the heart of the story it seems that the story line from what I saw in the minute and thirty second long trailer is that they’re sticking pretty close to the book. Not only are the characters coming to life but the other characters in the story are shown in the movie as well, such as Henrik Vanger, Erika Berger, and Martin Vanger- all of whom you’ll meet when you read the book. The whole feel of the trailer just strums a chord with me. It irks me to the point that I literally paused the trailer in between sections to observe the setting and literally discern what’s going on in a particular scene. And from what I’ve gathered, this is going to be a long movie. At least two hours and thirty minutes. A lot of the book is information of feeling and description of location, which is luckily compacted in the actor’s facial expressions and cinematography of the entire essence of each take. So it’s all there in this movie. It’s the right about detail that is needed for such a complex book that freaked me out with its words alone. Makes me wonder how much of an effect the actual images will have on me once I see certain scenes.

I think this will be one of the best movies of the year. The drama of it is clearly shown in the trailer and it’s serious and has something for plenty of movie lovers to enjoy. My main concern is us book lovers. We are so critical when it comes to book-movies. We’re afraid the director didn’t capture the heart of the story and failed to include certain parts of the book in the movie. And here’s what I suggest: keep an open mind about the movie. A lot of the book is information of feeling and setting, the movie will surely get that. What we need to look for is if they get certain tenses right. Will they get the dialog right? Yes, maybe, they’ll alter in a way but probably be pretty close to what they say in the book. Will it look right? I think so, I mean from what I’ve gathered from the one trailer (I hope they release another soon) is that we will see the brutal moments that were in the book. I don’t think they’re going to hold back in this movie. It is more than likely to be an R-rated film for certain content. We’ll see the agony and fury of Salander and the barbaric actions of the enemy of the book. I’m looking for to it. I think it’s going to be intense and one of the movies you may need t see more than once to truly understand what happened. I found myself going back on a few pages in the book once or twice when I reached a particular moment in the book… just to be sure what happened, happened. There’s going to be IN YOUR FACE moments where you’ll definitely go back to reread what just took place. The main question I have is will they make a trilogy and do all three books? I know it’s already been done (the Swedish versions are all from 2009-2010 and are available on dvd) but will they do it? They mention trilogy in the trailer, so maybe they’ll do it? But what I highly suggest for any one who’s interested in seeing this movie- read the book. You won’t regret it. Don’t get intimidated by the context or the length of it, it’ll catch your attention from the start and you’ll start to think like Blomkvist and Salander. You’ll be solving the crime with them from start to finish. Therefore leaving you no other choice but to finish the book. You have to be able to commit to it. It is definitely a tough read, but one well worth it. It’s powerful and I can’t say any more good things about it. But please, read the book and see the movie when it’s released in theaters in December. Perfect Christmas present.

Happy readings to all and hope you enjoy it and become obsessed with the trilogy like I have.

“Of course my actions aren’t socially acceptable, but my crime is first and foremost a crime against the conventions of society.” – Character is unrevealed until you read it.

[All images are stills from the trailer]

Does it make sense to you though? That people can leave the smallest imprint on you, even when you’re not aware of it… I wonder if I do the same. Sometimes I think I do, whether it is good or bad. The bad. Do we leave bad impressions on people and will they always remember us for that malice we’ve done? Possibly. I know that’s how I think sometimes. Yes, I know I’m horrible for thinking that way about people; not giving them a chance and all, but the truth is- why should we give people so many chances? Or am I being too prejudice to my fellow human beings? I groan at this thought, it’s so hard to be patient with others when they hurt you at first meet or if they so badly wound you you can’t find it in you to forgive them. That’s a fault in me, isn’t it? As the receiver of wrongness I am supposed to forgive them, but I can’t. I get so angry with those people because I allowed to enter my life and hurt me so much that I can’t let others in. But should the other people we meet suffer for what the previous have done to me? Do you ever think that same thought?

I find that there’s a common thread – a tie, a knot, a strong, a cord- with the people I met and their relationship with me. I am often left feeling used and deserted after those people have their way with me. Some have left me so physically drained that I couldn’t even move. That’s a terrible thought to think that there are actually people that exist that can hurt you so much. Those kinds of people, the deserters (I have a different and far worse name for them, but I’m trying to maintain composure), they left some deep, and hopefully not permanent, damage. I am always on edge, constant alert when it comes to people. I give others chances, not to just prove themselves to me, but to actually show me that they have a heart to love (not just love with a man, but as a person, a friend to friend & etc). I don’t like to let people in anymore and it’s because of the people I met. I’m just wondering what is wrong with you people that you think you can treat me however you please? Honestly, these kinds of people give me little hope and faith in the rest of humanity. It’s just so dishonorable to be so cruel and neglectful to a person.

I sound bitter and horrible. I know I am at times, believe me – that’s probably why I’m finding myself alone these days. I just don’t care for some people anymore, it’s too much emotion put into a friendship and trying to make it work and healthy when the person doesn’t give any effort. I sound like a bad friend right now, because I am basically stating to all that I greatly dislike people, but I’m being honest… I didn’t always used to think this way. I used to be so sociable and extroverted. I gradually became shy as the years came by. I became reserved and introverted, and more observant. I study people (as mentioned in my last post). I’m on my guard. Is that wrong of me? I don’t think so sometimes, but it doesn’t exactly help when it comes to meeting new people. I’m selective. I’m just not up for investing so much of myself to people anymore, especially when their intentions are just to beat me with their actions. I’m not up for it, and I think I have a right to say that I don’t.

On the other hand, and with a heavy sigh I write this, there are people that give me hope in others. There are people out there that have touched my life in so many ways. I miss some of them, but I remember them as they were. They aren’t dead, they are alive, but years pass and with age sometimes people leave, but I remember them for who they were. They changed me in some ways. I met people who honestly love others so much that I become envious of them- I want to take that passion, that ability and love others. So in a way, that particular person influences me to want to do more and just love people again; like I was did when I was younger. It just blows me away that some people out there are gifted with the ability to love others and forgive them for the ill-considered things they’ve done. How do they do it? I wonder and that’s why I study them. I let them talk, or I try to, and I just try to listen and want to be like them in some ways. That’s what I meant when I said the person has imprinted me. I want to take a little piece of them and carry it with me. But that’s the thing, I want to, but I have made little effort to. I wish I had the desire to love people, they’re just so complicated that I don’t want to deal. I mean, come on, I’m perfect example of a complicated person. Probably why many people don’t care to deal with me. I rock my head to side, near my left shoulder and just think on that for a minute. With eyes closed I see that I have so much to work on. Just give me some time to work on it. I’ve slowly gotten better, but at the same time worse. Man.

I still love people. I think of so many of my friends, the new, old, and the in between, and I just think of how bad it’s gotten to where I don’t want to make amends with some of them. I love these people, but I’m just a person and not a one sees that I need something more too. I don’t know. I’m not going to overly dwell on it. But it’s exhausting isn’t it? Taking requests (I can’t think of a better word at the moment) from friends; making them feel as loved as possible, being their for them and always listening to them. And it’s not with disgust that I help my friends, but it’s just with a heavy heart that has more than she can handle on her shoulders. “Lend me your ears!” I don’t know. I just think when it comes to the people we meet we should be willing to keep both of our ears open. It’s one thing to meet someone and leaving an everlasting impression on them, but to me, the important thing is trying to work that relationship- on both end. After all the phrase “it takes two to tango” isn’t sad just to be thrown out there, it means something. And yes, I know I have my own stuff to work on, I need to be willing to not perceive people on whatever “bad thing” they do when I meet them. I have to give people chances. Just one question, where do we draw the line?

I don’t know what I’m saying. But people, and I have met so many of you, what’s going on in this world that we just don’t try to make other friendships work? We only pick about a certain handful of people to communicate with, but is that fair to other people that want to make a friendship work with you? Now I remember, I remember why I sometimes am hesitant to meet people: they’ll just not even bother. Should we bother though? Don’t know. I’m thinking aloud now. This entire post is me thinking aloud. I lost train of thought to the purpose of this. You’ll have to forgive me for this particular post. It’s mostly a rant. Until next, see you. Maybe I’ll write about identifiers next week. Not sure. Wish me luck.

[was listening to City and Colour's "Little Hell" album and Dario Marianelli's "Jane Eyre Soundtrack" while writing this]

what defines me?

It’s a question as simple as that. What defines me in this life… I’m only twenty-one years old and I already feel I’ve seen enough of this life that it’s impossible for me to experience any more of it. What else is there to go through? I’ve seen pain, I’ve seen love (or at least what I think is love), and et cetera. What else is there for me to go through? I don’t know. I often think too much and so beyond my comfort zone that it’ll trouble my being for hours after the original thought has entered my mind. I like to blame it on the amount of minutes I take in the shower for my current predicament. After having a somewhat quiet day with little interaction with people (a day I usually am fond of partaking) I will take a thirty to almost forty minute long shower. I’ll stand beneath the hot water and just immerse myself in it’s heat. It’ll take control of my body and mind and invite me into a realm of outer thoughts I purposely put aside from my usual thinking process during the day. I’ll think of everything, there is no limit to what enters my mind; but whatever it is I allow my mind to ponder it for hours after, perhaps even days, until I feel I’ve come up with a reasonable answer. However, I never seem to finish what I’ve started; which, unfortunately, is something I’m in a habit of doing.

That is why I’m writing this. I usually commit to writing whatever enters my little head (I know my head is physically bigger than the “little” I say here). I’m determined to write a series of little blogs of what I try to resolve is my identification. But before going on any further there should be an introduction to this series: First thing is that I don’t know how long this series will be, it could go from five to ten blog posts (which will be done weekly of course). I am, for a fact, will be talking about myself; but don’t be alarmed, stranger, it’ll be mostly of my thoughts. Not about my day-to-day, hour-to-hour details of my life. Just what came to my mind that day. And yes, it probably won’t make any sense whatsoever for a while. After all, I’m sure whoever is reading this doesn’t know me, although I’m sure we know each other, you still don’t know who I am. Truthfully, neither do I.

As for today, I’ll be VERY brief with my entry. From what I see of what I’ve written out so far, it’s looking rather long. About close to 500 words already, my, my, how time flies. Any who- today, I’ve been thinking of how relationships (friends, family, significant others, and what have you) affect me greatly. Many people may not think that I care about them at first meeting, I come off harsh and cold and careless usually, but I do. I like meeting people, but when I already know they know me as, let’s say my brother’s sister, I feel that they already have an expectation of me. To be the heart-warming, loving, and communicative person like him; and, as of late I’ve noticed, they will be disappointed as the end result. When I already know (or at least already feel) that this person has made an assumption of my character, I will shut them off entirely. Does it sound horrible that I wrote that out? Maybe. But don’t get me wrong, I’m proud to be my brother’s younger sister (is this an identification of me), but I just wish they would leave the canvas they have designated for me blank until they get to know me. I know I am partially at fault here, but I just wish I could be myself in front of others. I’m so quiet and observant when around people lately. I like to study their facial expression, their eyes, their mouths when they speak, and their reactions after I said something. To be perfectly honest, I feel like an imbecile when I talk out loud. I don’t have a filter, I say whatever is in my mind. And the times when I do allow my filter to reveal itself, I’m limited in the conversation. Is it my fault? Am I to blame for my current predicament? Possibly, possibly.

The truth is, or at least this is what I think is to be the truth of me, is that I’m a reserved person but I am actually intelligent and witty when I feel I can show it. I’m afraid of what people will think of me. So far I don’t have many friends because once they see who I really am, they don’t stick around me. And this saddens me, which is probably why I say so little to people… but it’s not because I don’t like them, it’s just I’m afraid my stupidity will seem to them repulsive and guarantee that they’ll leave. Not like my silence is helping much either, but I think lately many people like confiding in me because I am so quiet. Not sure at the moment. What was I saying? Ah… there is much to say about friendships and how they perceive me. I know they think of me in not such a high regard, but I don’t know where to begin to change that. Because sometimes in the end I’m so happy to be rid of people who refuse to stick around, I don’t love it when they unveil their true nature to me, but I’m glad to be rid of them when I see they weren’t the people they formed themselves to be (another thing I’ll write about, who we “pretend” to be to get people to like us).

All I know is, and this will be the end to this post, is that I’m just being myself, partially, I’m still adapting to slowly talking when in the presence of others. Ending with this final thought: people can just quit themselves.

[p.s. listen to "That Room" by The Twilight Sad and "I Gave You All" by Mumford & Sons when you read this- or after, works either way.]

every soul was created to follow the
path of good, not evil. but you
chose a path that led you to
a life of self-loathing.

you don’t love yourself, you only
think that because of the attention
you’ve received. they hate you,
they hate your entire entity.

I’ve reached out to
love you, to help you see
the wreckage around you. your eyes
remained shut and you silenced
me with the cruelty you gasped
with each lying breath.

once I l loved the idea of seeing
shattered glass shredding you
to pieces. but would that wake
you to see the harshness
of reality?

nothing works when it comes
to you. we have done this
together, we’ve mutilated our
own souls. the cause is:
materialism.

to become a part of this
world, we’ve lost the meaning
of our true existence. I’ve
lost as much you have.

I had met Pierre while I was studying abroad in Paris to wrap up my studies for my bachelor’s a year and a half ago. He wasn’t a student, but he was always there when I went out with the other people in my program. There was no way you couldn’t be friends with him. There was something about his presence that relaxed you and allowed you to be who you are without judgment from him. Probably why he attracts so many people to him. The rest is history, but that’s besides the point.

“… and my sister, mon belle Violette, would lie to my mother about where I was so I wouldn’t get into trouble. Can you believe that? How ridiculous.” he laughed.

I liked it when he would talk about his little sister. His eyes would sparkle and the expression on his face would be more genuine. It was at these rare moments when I’d wondered what our life would be like if I ever chose to marry him. Ann and Pierre Minnioux, it has a nice ring to it. I don’t think my family would approve of it, they would probably laugh at us. Don’t get me wrong, they love Pierre, they think he’s a great man who has a kind heart and a lot to give, but they also think that he and I have different goals in life. Basically they think Pierre doesn’t take life as seriously as I do. But what does that matter?

Here I am, though. I’m sitting between Pierre and a new friend he’s made tonight, Nina. Apparently she’s infatuated with him, I’m going to take guess that it’s because of his French accent. American girls eat that up, they love foreign accents- let alone French one’s.

“Pierre,” interrupted Nina, “did you go to school in Paris or did you just live the night life?”

I tried my hardest to hide my face from her so she wouldn’t see me beginning to laugh. I knew what sort of response Pierre was going to say. He’s been asked this question so many times before.

“Oh, mon amie, such a question doesn’t particularly matter since I’m here now. Enjoy my company, please, and my laughs. My past is of no importance.” he said as he exhaled his cigarette smoke to the night sky. He looked down at me and winked before wrapping his arm around my shoulders.  He’s cleaver.

I couldn’t help myself from snickering when I noticed how unsettled Nina was from Pierre’s answer. Did she not understand a word he said? Obviously it didn’t matter since she quickly recovered by an overly hysterical laugh to whatever he said next. I knew I rolled my eyes at her, I felt my face cringe. It never bothered me when strange women would tag along with Pierre. Maybe “strange” isn’t the correct word to describe these ladies, but nothing else is coming to mind. I only wished that their knowledge and understanding were broadened so we wouldn’t have to deal with their unclear, giggly, girly comments or their ditzy moments. Perhaps I’m asking for too much, but then again, these girls are ridiculous. I wish they’d leave.

They were approaching the cracked sidewalk together
until they parted from one another. What happened? Did
they fight? What did he do? What did she do? What happened,
whatever it was, he made her feel insignificant and that’s
because of his uncontrollable temperament.

She leaned against a rusted, flickering light pole with her arms
clutched to her sides; she had hoped he would reach out
to her and at least give it a try. He disregarded her
since he walked into the twenty-four hour liquor store
hoping the beverages in store would provide him
with answers; which he knew they wouldn’t.

Was it his burden to bear? Was he really the one to blame
for her whimpering? He knew the love was there, but wasn’t
sure if the love was vanishing. He didn’t want it to end,
so he went on to find her. And there she was
waiting, and as he reached to embrace her
she said, “let’s go home.”

As I grew older he grew more
disappointed with me. It’s because of the tattoo
on my arm I got at eighteen and the late
hours he stays up waiting for me before I finally
come home. He’d constantly irritate me with his
remarks of how I’m still a child living
in a dreamworld.

A dreamworld?
I know the difference between dreams
and reality. I understand that once I finally grow
up I’ll have all these responsibilities.
So yes, maybe I do live in a dreamworld, but
it’s so much better than being near him.
In my dreamworld I feel the love I should feel
from my father. I don’t hate him, I just want him to
accept his daughter for the woman she’ll become.

He should be thankful that when I stay
out late at night that I’m not
at a drunken bash, but instead
at the coffee house sketching trees.

So no, my father isn’t the enemy,
at least I don’t want him to be.

in the paper target clamped to its hanger,
you see it there awaiting its fate,
and so you pull the trigger and
with those shots fired you are pleased to
know that this target can’t escape.

You begin to understand why some
boys will use such a thing. You can hear
the sound of shattered glasses, the piercing sound
of struck steel, and the cries of the innocent.
It makes you think, it brings you fear

that now you no longer want
this artifact in your hands.
This is problematic since you’re now
at a crossroads and you haven’t a clue
where to go.

As your body stiffens and your hands quiver
you close your eyes and realize the truth.
The truth is that not all are destined
to clutch this weapon, and all there’s left
for you to do is reload, aim, and fire.

Do you run and continue this
exhilarating game? Or do you
see to it that this gun never
be laid eyes on again? The choice
is yours, but you already know the answer.

Note: The first stanza is by Kim, and the rest is written by me with bits and pieces from her original poem.

I have a bit of a music taste different than my brother’s, so my top 10 will be a little weird and not as legit as my brother’s.

1. The Devil Wear’s Prada “With Roots Above and Branches Below”

Compared to their two previous albums, TDWP definitely made it their own in my opinion. Now, I’m a big fan of their music and their first album “Dear Love: A Beautiful Discord” was more of a grindcore album with nothing but screaming and loud drums and a bit of electric guitar. Quite good. As for their second album, which was released in 2007 “Plagues” they used more synthesizers and less screaming and added more vocals. It had more of a melody and they definitely got in touch their keyboards and etc, but it still had their hardcore feel. “With Roots Above and Branches Blow”  they got back to their hardcore yelling vocals, but remained their melodic vocals (it makes it easier to understand what they’re saying). Also, their bass and drums got a lot better and much louder- which is something I like and which is why they’re number one. Their lyrics have meaning, as always, and it’s powerful.

2. Lady GaGa “The Fame Monster”

The year of the GaGa! Regardless of her crazy, ridiculous, yet fashionable appearance, Lady GaGa definitely made herself known this year with her introduction to a new genre of music. It’s more of electro-pop meets techno, meets ’80s pop/rock and with a touch of pop and hip hop and you got Lady GaGa! Her music is edgy and she isn’t afraid to speak her mind. Her voice can either be sweet and gentle or angry and aggressive. She definitely succeeded in differentiating herself from other pop-divas, who are afraid to explore with music and sing about subjects other than love and boyfriends. Lady GaGa definitely takes time getting used to, but her music will make you want to dance and dare to be different. Kudos, miss.

3. Emery “In Shallow Seas We Sail”

A follow up from “While Broken Hearts Prevail”, “In Shallow Seas We Sail” brought back Emery to their original screaming roots. While their third album “I’m Only a Man” sort of changed their original sound or screaming and aggressive drums and deep insightful lyrics, “In Shallow Seas We Sail” reminded us of the “The Question” and “The Weak’s End” Emery- thoughtful lyrics about life and our own struggles and battles with what we have going on in life and lyrics that definitely slapped in your the face! Ah yes, it was good. Though their music isn’t as sad or “depressing” as it was in “The Weak’s End,” it brought back the screaming they once did in “The Question” which we all love. Their music had that spark again, the aggression- the whit and etc. Their lyrics improved in my opinion and it was just deep, it was deep and provoked you to stop what you’re doing so you could jam. It was strong, it was Emery. I hope/wish for more of this in future albums.

4. The Twilight Sad “Forget the Night Ahead”

Personally, I loved it. Compared to their previous albums, they’ve improved with their vocals and got more in touch with their instrumentals. And by that I mean it’s just drums and one guitar. This time they experienced with music allowing you to be lost in this trance. I felt that with their songs on this album. I thought it was great. Their thick Scottish accents were more understandable on this album, their lyrics definitely remained the same- it was deep and powerful. I can’t help it, I think they did a great job on this album.  It wasn’t just noise like their last albums, it was more of a search or a quest rather- it was insightful. I look forward to more.

5. Flyleaf “Momento Mori”

I was beginning to worry about Flyleaf since they haven’t had an album since 2006 and such, but they came through with “Memento Mori.” This album is more faith based and definitely spiritual. But what’s so great about this album is that it’s not like those other Christian albums that sing the same songs about “How great God is,” though those songs are true- we’ve all heard them before. This is more about struggles and relationships and prayer and hope for others and their quest for salvation. This album is very personal and I thought the lyrics and music was beautiful. It’s still a Flyleaf original, not much has changed, except they improved! I love it.

6. Muse “The Resistance”

As a long time fan, I was impressed with what they brought. They definitely changed their music. They experimented and weren’t afraid of it. Compared to their first  two albums “Absolution” and  “Black Holes and Revelations” they changed their lyrics with a combination of both. “Absolution” was more of a dark album with lyrics that definitely HIT you hard, and “Black Holes and Revelations” lightened up and introduced us to different music tones, more synth’s and keyboards, not much hardcore bass and their lyrics were more uppity. As for “The Resistance” they brought us the music used in their second album and a bit of the lyrics from their first. Very deep, strong, thoughtful, and a bit dark. They seemed to be in favor of a more electronica vibe in this album, which is great for me. Their songs “Uprising” and “MK Ultra” definitely can be an example of their new liking for synth’s and keyboards, it’s more natural and moving I should say. However, they remained to being Muse and doing what they want which is something I definitely love. They’re original.

7. The Dear Hunter “Act III: Life and Death”

Compared to Act’s I and II I must say this one is their best. I have no name for their genre of music. They do a mixture of old burlesque music with some rock, but it’s different. It’s experimental for sure, and they definitely showed it this year. They stuck to their eerie music, the echoes and dramatic vocals that shook and quivered. I felt this album was better with their lyrics, which was more aggressive- they talked about taking advantaged of a woman, and pain, it was about matters most artists don’t discuss- the lyrics definitely lead you to a dark place, with intense feeling. They spoke of loneliness- in all ways, and it was just very touching. It was moving. I didn’t dislike any of it. Their tune was their own, it was dramatic and quivery like their vocals, but it suited them- it wasn’t awful for the ear, it was beautiful.

8. Alexisonfire “Old Crows/Young Cardinals”

They definitely improved on this album. The lyrics were more understandable- the music didn’t sound too messy, t for once flowed well together. It’s not as gloomy as their previous album “Crisis” but it’s more in your face kind of music. The lyrics were great, it was a mixture of life lessons, things you should know, emotions, etc. They for sure ventured off a bit and got out of their shell a bit, at least in my opinion. They allowed less screaming on this album, and gave the WONDERFUL Dallas Green more vocal parts (instead of his usual part in the chorus, he actually sang some songs). Overall, I think their music made a great impact this year and it was a hell of a comeback after the band took quite a break and did their own individual music projects. They still are Alexisonfire in this album, but different. Better even. I liked it. I look forward to more.

9. Paramore “Brand New Eyes”

Not much has changed with Paramore’s sound. They definitely relaxed on their third album- it was as loud but it was definitely their kind of music. It seems that felt very comfortable in their music zone. Their lyrics was about love and struggles and wants, it was good since almost every girl goes through that. I kind of want to see them dig deeper, into a darker place- not make it just about wants for a relationships and break ups. Perhaps something more personal would make the album more successful (and it is already a success, but just saying). However, this album did well- everything flowed, they sort of altered their music to something more of summery feel. Nevertheless, I think if they experiment more with their lyrics- it could be better.

10. Cotton Jones “Paranoid Cocoon”

Compared to what they did in Page France, I say they did quite well this year. The lead singer’s vocals was more smooth and calmer and a bit deeper. Their music changed comparatively to Page France’s calm acoustic-ness to Cotton Jone’s more upbeat melodic, but natural sounding, instruments. It seems they got more in touch with the organ and just not forcing it, it was gentle on the ear and would make you sway from side to side. You wanted “hum” whenever their songs would come on, yes you could sing along, but you would hum so you wouldn’t ruin the vocals- it was good. Seeing this is their first album as a new band, they definitely broke the shell and bond from Page France’s soothing acoustics. They are more folk like- almost like campfire kind of music. Something you can enjoy while being outdoors almost. It’s better, their songs “Gone the Bells” and “Blood Red Sentimental Blues” are their best songs on their album- it’s sensational!

Those bands and albums in my opinion were the best this year, and yes there were others that barely made this list. And with that being said, I shall tell you of the HONORABLE MENTIONS!

1. We Were Promised Jetpacks “These Four Walls”

2. August Burns Red “Constellations”

3. Saosin “In Search of Solid Ground”

4. John Mayer “Battle Studies”

5. Passion Pit “Manners”

6. Phoenix “Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix”

I think 2010 will be pretty kick ass. And hopefully no one gets pissed about this, it’s just my opinion and this year music definitely kicked ass. :}